Have you ever been in a relationship situation with a man where you’re not happy, he’s not stepping up in the way you’d like, he’s not willing to commit, you still love him, you feel insecure, and you don’t know what to do? Have you ever felt you only had two options – one option to just stay, with things exactly as they are and hope it’ll get better, or the other option – to leave?
There is another way to go about transforming the relationship you have into the one you want.
Seeking Love: A Cry Out For Help
Here’s the kind of letter I get often:
My boyfriend and I’ve been together for 1 1/2 years. He loves me, I love him, both feel it very much. It will be 2 years soon.
I want to get married sometime within the next year (sooner the better) but he feels that he needs “more time” to feel 120% on marrying me. But he can’t give me the exact time he needs (months, days, years).
He says he can see himself marrying me one day but is not ready now. He is 40, never been married, no kids. We are butting heads on this. And he says that bringing up this subject every month (for the past three months) puts him off.
I’m feeling that I’m not good enough for him if he doesn’t already know by now that he wants to marry me. AND that we can’t even talk about it. I mean how long does it have to take? We see each other regularly, we live close by each other, no mystery on how we would do living together.
I thought I could wait maybe 3 more months, but I’ve been lying to myself and can’t wait until then. So, I’ve been depressed and angry towards him for the past couple of months. I am to the point where I just can’t go on like this anymore.
I know if I end it I’ll have to take the risk of losing him completely. What do I do?
I’m afraid that if I leave, I’ll be leaving a really good thing – he’s a great guy, I know he’ll be a great husband when he gets there, and we get along great (except for this)- and, of course, I love him. I’m afraid that’s really hard to find.
But maybe he’s just a dead-end and he’s a committment-phobe! Should I break it off or just give him more “time”? I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place.
Have you ever felt like this, or are you in a situation like this now?
A Solution To Finding Happiness In A Partner
Let’s get now to my answer to this letter:
There is another way to go with this other than sticking it out or leaving. With the third option you’ll be able to tell very quickly whether or not it’ll work for you.
We draw men to us by being utterly authentic and utterly vulnerable, and we are authentic and vulnerable when we are in our bodies and feelings rather than in our heads.
This requires having very strong boundaries, and understanding what being authentic, vulnerable, and having boundaries looks and sounds like.
Demonstrating that we have boundaries conveys confidence and belief in ourselves – (and you can do this even if you’re shaking inside).
Following and speaking from your feelings conveys several things: One, you are the feeling person in the relationship, and you expect and honor that he will do the thinking, and two, you cherish your own feelings, and expect him to cherish them also.
It also gives him the space to access your feelings, your softness, and to move closer to you no matter how scared he is. Both you, and the relationship with it, become softer.
As strange as it sounds, heartbreak is easy. We’re used to getting dumped. We’re used to leaving. We’re used to not having what we want.
Really think about it – what would it look like, and how would it feel if you could have the relationship you want? Chances are, though the fantasy may feel wonderful, it also feels a little scary.
We’re all so frightened of really being intimate with someone, we’ve all figured out over our whole lives how to speak to men in ways that actually keep them at a distance. How to use our bodies in ways that push them away rather than draw them in.
This Third Option requires that you pretty much reverse everything you’ve been doing up to now! That means making all kinds of changes in yourself – the way you think, the way you speak, the way you move.
It’s about dropping all the old patterns of behavior that have been getting you nowhere, and beginning to just be in a completely new way.
Heart Break Opens Up Choices For A Better Partner
In a few short months this person moved from desperate, clingy, furiously angry, and nearly paralyzed with fear to feeling almost blasè, about her relationship with her boyfriend.
The result is that he moved closer and closer.
It’s simple, not only did the man of the relationship not play his part, but in reality nor did she. She was creating unnecessarily added pressure by essentially saying it has to be one way or an other. She wanted to get married and felt she had to rush this process probably because her boyfriend was in his 40s and still not married… “I need to marry him now or he’ll never get married”
On top of this the mind then focuses on two options, a successful relationship or breaking up. No one looks at the in-between option that releases all that added stress that builds up in your mind. By removing this added pressure, you can let your relationship take it’s course instead of trying to manufacture the course it should be taking.
Let Nature Take Its Course Without Adding Problems Into The Mix
If two people are meant to be then they will be.
The fear of breaking up is an other issue. We feel this will break us, but we fail to look back at all the other breaks-ups we’ve been in and how we survived those when at the time it felt like the end of the world.
There are plenty of fish in the sea and the reason people do not like hearing that is because it feels like you are forcing someone to stop loving that person and jump into a new relationship.
No one is saying to stop loving them, but know you can feel the same love (or more love) with an other person and that opportunity should not be thrown away for a relationship that might not be working.
Just don’t be afraid of heart break as this eventually brings future options that can bring true happiness!